There are days when i can’t  control myself to stop crying. and maybe this is one of those days. earlier last week i was really smiling and having fun. but i guess its really true when people say that when you are happy  yesterday you’re gonna be feeling down by tomorrow. that’s why sometimes i try to stop myself from being happy because i know ill get hurt after. every time i see a happy person i do feel happy for them, but I’m crying deep inside cause i always ask myself “WHY AM I NOT THAT HAPPY?” why do they find it easy to be rich and buy what they want, to find their dream jobs, or even their soul mates. i am trying to be strong, people see me as that person. i know i have to be for my loved ones. but there are times that i just wanna give up and cry. I don’t know what to do anymore. i know im not the perfect daughter, the perfect sister,  nor the perfect friend, or maybe even not the perfect girlfriend before and possible not the perfect girl now for anyone. its hard to be all of these, but I’m trying my best in everything, to be a good person that everyone would love to have. but i guess people see me in a way that they want to see me. i can’t change that anymore. you call me a so called “party girl” well, yes i am. i love to go out, meet new people, dance and be with my friends, that’s the reason. not to drink/get drunk or flirt with anyone. and as for you to know, deep inside that “party girl attitude” is a girl who has been hurt by a guy who she gave her everything. every time i go out i can see a few girls who are like that. and i don’t judge them. just cause i know that everyone has had heir heart broken. so guys, don’t judge that quickly. you might not know, that girl could be the one for you. who will treat you like a king and will never be ashamed to have you and will love you wholeheartedly. through good times or bad, no if’s or but’s, but  the one who’ll be with you forever.  so to those people who are reading this, i know some can relate, some will argue, or maybe your friends are going through this as well, show this to them and tell them that they’re not the only one. we are special, all of us. we just have to appreciate ourselves first and then maybe others will do the same to us. i know im just taking baby steps and i have to do everything that i have said. but i know someday in GOD’S PERFECT TIME and as what my friend said earlier, in OUR OWN SWEET TIME, everything will just fall into place. yes it’s okay to cry but after that you have to put your head up, smile, and face the challenges that God’s giving you. CAUSE IF YOU SMILE, GOOD THINGS WILL COME YOUR WAY FOR SURE :)

what is love? we can’t define it can we? when and where can we find it? Ever since i was a kid I’ve always watched lots of drama movies and teleseryes. maybe it was because of my yaya  or maybe i really loved watching it.and even though they say that tagalog movies are “buki”  i really don’t care. with these movies i fell in love with “love”. i cry all the time when it comes to these movies. i can’t stop myself. my friends laugh at me but  i don’t really care because that”s what i feel. I’ve learned a lot when it comes to love even though i didn’t have a partner then.i was a late bloomer. for me life was a fairytale that it would always end in a happy ending but when i had the taste  of a real relationship i realized that it was not. it was hard! at first yes i was happy but then i learned that relationship weren’t easy! you’ll feel hurt after you’re happy. and what i learned after that relationship is that you don’t have to beg for love. you just have to be yourself and hope that the person that you love will love you back. coz if you’ll just beg for love, he’ll not love you back he’ll just feel sorry for you.  and not at all times that when you love a person it’s an assurance that he’ll love you back. you can love the person with all your heart even though he doesn’t know it.but that hurts righT?but it’s just reality. we can’t do anything about it. many questions have gone through my mind. is love really worth fighting for? how do we really know that it’s love? how do we know that this is the right person for us? then i thought about it.. years have passed, could you  still love the person even though he has hurt you a lot? i can’t answer that now coz i still have to experience a lot in life. wishing that the person that you love will do the same for you is like wishing for something that you can’t have, it might happen but you have to work hard for it or wait for the right time to come along.

There are times that i wish i can go back to the time when the only guy in my life was my dad, my older brother was my clown,and  if i would get hurt mom would give me a lollipop and just put band aid on it. and she would tell me “tanya,it’s okay! it would heal in a few days”. but now being hurt by someone could not be healed that easily. and eventhough how hard you try to forget that person he’s still there in your heart and in your mind. a lot may come into your life but no one could replace that one great love of yours. even though he had done a lot of bad things in the past it’s just easy to forgive them. and you can’t get mad that easily. you’re still happy when you’re with them or just even talking to them. years will pass but when you do remember the memories that you’ve been through you just can’t help but smile and cry at the same time.the feeling’s are just there hidden in your heart and in your mind. i don’t know if that’s love. but i guess it is becuase  you have invested a lot in that relationship. and never left anything for yourself. and after that person is gone it’s pretty hard for you to live another life again.but you just can’t do anything.only when you lose the person,that’s the time you’ll realize how much they mean to you and when you do you you’ll realize that you lost a part of yourself.

i guess fate or destiny is just like that. you can’t control it, it controls you. though it may hurt you have to accept the fact that it happens for a reason. though we may not want to, but we have to. only fate can tell who’s going to be there for you until the end. and of course you need to pray but it’s really not assurance that you’ll get what you want. God has his plans for us and we’ll just have to wait patiently for it.though we encounter problems in our life we shouldn’t give up. for those people who have hurt someone in the past i guess it’s time to say sorry for what you have done.and for the one’s who got hurt, just pray and in time you’ll be okay! there will be someone  who will love you as much as you love them. but there are times that you’ll really miss that someone who you gave your whole heart to. time will come that they’ll also realize what they have done. and all’s well that end’s well i hope.

i know a lot of you can relate to this. whether you’re a male or a female.it’s okay to feel hurt because that’s the only time that you can say to yourself  that you really loved someone. and that’s the best feeling that you can tell yourself.you gave your all but they just couldn’t return it back. you may cry most of the time but be happy coz if you haven’t done anything bad, then good things will really happen to you.. life is a journey, we have to enjoy it one step at a time.. only time will tell but remember to have fun while you’re taking that journey…